rus uncut, no. 6

Probably not a bad idea to uncut today.

Random thoughts:

1. Before I had the dream of somebody posting on my blog: “Your posts have hit rock bottom; your blog sucks,” I had a (BAD, rus!) snoball (bubble gum flavor, if it matters), and then I passed out. There’s no other way to describe it. If my life depended on recalling what happened between 10:45 p.m. and 4:25 a.m., I’d beg for hypnosis to help me along. All I know is, I finished the snoball (I don’t even recall throwing away the cup) and then woke up on the couch, still fully dressed. At some point after 10:45, I’m assuming my wife tried to wake me or she needed to help B get to the bathroom. I don’t know.

I do know it scares me. I’d like to remember my evenings, thank you very much. I remember more when I’ve had a few Guinesses (Guinni?). If I could just stop eating after 7 p.m…. I’ll do that tonight. Baby steps….Baby steps….Baby steps….

So, what’s up with the dream about my blog sucking? I know I’m intermittent, but why all the self-pressure put upon me all of a sudden?

er–there’s your problem right there. “All of a sudden” is a little more than incorrect. These things eat at me all the time. Maybe I need to stay drunk on snoballs 24/7 so I don’t have to think about all of these things (of course, I’m guessing that the snoball induced the wicked you-suck nightmare).

So, Rus, Chill. Relax. You get so uptight about these things. Just. Relax.

Eat less. Stay active. Enjoy the moment. Stop worrying about the past.

So easy to write…

2. When I got up at 4:25 a.m., I still sat on my ass for 2 hours and watched a hurricane crawl toward Jamaica. Thrilling. Morbid, really. Something kicked me off the couch, though (a cat making noise upstairs?), and I made a pot of coffee and decided to NOT sit and write but to stand and walk and move and clean up my office.

When we moved a few months ago, I swore that I would never let the junk build up, and so I spent the morning de-junking my office. I feel good that I did that.

3. Maybe this is something. I only have a small amount of time in the morning to “claim” as mine before the kids wake up. When I do morning pages, I sit. And then they wake up. I’m not saying I should stop doing morning pages, but I am saying that I either need to wake up a tad-bit earlier or tell my kids in the morning that they need to be a little self-sustaining while I work–whatever work might mean for that morning.

4. Maybe none of that matters. I start back at school tomorrow morning for cleaning, meetings, and planning. The students come back a week later. My whole life will revolve around beginning the school year successfully.

Balance, though, right? I still need to do Morning Pages, and as my two girls begin school, I’ll need to work around their schedules for after-school activities and homework help, not to mention just wanting to be with my family in the afternoons/evenings/weekends.

5. Above all other things, I love my family. Regardless of all the other stuff fluttering around in nos. 1 through 4 above, everything at home is just exactly perfect.