Can we just expand the present, please?

What a crazy, oxymoronic moment I am experiencing. Right here in the present.

Is this what some people might call an existential crisis?

Let me explain. I am a lover of the moment, a hugger of the present and all it has to offer us right now. It has kept me from dwelling too much on the past, reeling in regret for the stupid things we cannot change. For example, we went for a hike yesterday on a somewhat mild December day, and I could not have been more aware of the sunlight on my face, the earth, roots, and rocks beneath my feet, and the rhythmic respirations along the hills and valleys of the trail. Every moment was a gift – literally – to my mental and physical well-being.

All good, Right? Sure.

What I’m talking about is something a little different. Maybe even a little, uh, rare? Something that I don’t think many people talk about or ponder.

You might, though.

It’s that fact that I love and want to do all the things. All the time.

Here’s just one minute of how my brain operates:

I love life. I really do. I am having so much fun in the moment walking on this trail. The sun’s rays fill me with energy as I stay in the light. Such a beautiful day. I found so many good books at the library that I requested. I can’t wait to read them. But what about the other stack of books I have on my desk? I am savoring every word of The Secret Garden and can’t wait to read all of the other books. And look – there’s a mushroom! Mushrooms have been in my life path so much these days. In books, on this trail, in conversations with multiple friends regarding, of all things, the brilliance of phosphorescence in nature. I wish I could draw better. I want to draw mushrooms. Why haven’t I practiced drawing them and other fantastical plants and creatures? I have a great idea for a terrarium. What if I were to build a terrarium with a Secret Garden theme? Warren would have loved that. I’ve never even created a terrarium, though. All I do is wish to do things but never really do them. Actually I do. I do them all the time. But not fast enough. I can’t read all the books at the same time. I can’t draw all the things all the time. I want to write an LGBTQ fantasy story, but I’m working on some other pieces right now. And I am 58 years old! It’s not like I’m 28. Time is very, very finite! I want to read more, art more, write more, walk more. I love the present – being in the present. This sun is light and love and peace and beauty. The Secret Garden is a lovely read. But I want to expand the present. Is that too much to ask? Oh look. Another mushroom…..

This is my life. I love to write, to art, to read, to teach, to live, to walk, to love, to advocate, to listen, to let light pour over me and through me until I am saturated in the energy of the universe. But this moment is finite, as am I.

Do you struggle with this, too? I would love to hear from you if you do….